Fawning: The Fourth F and How to Stop People Pleasing
Today, we're diving into the world of fawning—the fourth F that often sneaks in when we’re just trying to get by. You know, that classic people-pleasing vibe where we bend over backward to make others happy, all while forgetting about our own needs. We’ll also chat about how to set healthy boundaries so we can reclaim our space without feeling guilty about it. It's all about understanding ourselves better and recognizing those patterns that keep us stuck in that “servant energy.” Plus, we're bringing in some love work to help us shift gears and fill our newfound space with goodness instead of old habits. So, grab a comfy seat and let’s get into it!
Diving into the realm of self-acceptance, we take a closer look at fawning, the lesser-known yet impactful fourth F. Fawning is all about the lengths we go to ensure others like us and how this behavior often leads to a slippery slope of self-sacrifice. We weave through the narrative of how many of us, especially those sensitive souls, learned to please others in our formative years as a means of survival. Fawning isn't just a quirky behavior; it’s a survival mechanism that can zap our energy and cloud our sense of self.
Alongside this exploration, we equip you with actionable steps to create healthy boundaries. This isn't just a checklist; it's a lifeline to reclaiming your autonomy. We challenge you to ask yourself pivotal questions like, 'Is this an emergency?' and 'Can the person asking for help do this themselves?' These reflections are designed to help you navigate the tricky waters of obligations without losing sight of your own needs. As we wrap up, we invite you to engage in some love work — a gentle reminder that self-care isn’t selfish, it’s essential. Let’s embrace this journey together, fostering a space where we can celebrate our individuality and support each other in our personal growth journeys.
Takeaways:
- Fawning is all about people pleasing, and it often shows up in relationships, causing us to lose our sense of self.
- Creating healthy boundaries is essential for empaths, allowing us to reclaim our energy and nurture ourselves.
- It's crucial to fill the space we create with healthy habits instead of falling back into old patterns.
- Our past experiences with bullying can lead us to fawn in order to fit in, which is a tough cycle to break.
- Acceptance is the first step towards self-empowerment; we must learn to accept all parts of ourselves.
- Journaling can help identify what we genuinely enjoy, moving us away from fake fun and towards real joy.
Get my free Healthy Boundary Checklist here:-
Transcript
So what we're going to dive in today is firstly, we're going to talk about fawning, which is the fourth F.
Speaker A:We're then going to dive into a little bit more about the healthy boundaries and how you can start creating that space.
Speaker A:Then we're going to dive into what you do once you have that space, and then we're going to summarize and feel into what steps can you take.
Speaker A:So there's going to be a little bit of love work this week.
Speaker A:I call it love work, not homework, because any work we do on ourselves is love work.
Speaker B:Welcome to Accepting, where I guide you to accept all aspects of your beautiful self, embrace your truth, and live your life that way.
Speaker A:Hello, gorgeous.
Speaker A:And a warm welcome to Accepting.
Speaker A:I'm Aline, your host.
Speaker A:I'm a channel.
Speaker A:I'm a mentor and a coach and a crazy cat lady.
Speaker A:For those of you seeing this on video, for those of you who are listening, I currently have one of my gorgeous cats behind me and the other one on my lap.
Speaker A:She's refusing to move.
Speaker A:So we're surrounded with gorgeous feline energy today.
Speaker A:Very appropriately, we are talking about accepting your space today.
Speaker A:Now, we covered before about healthy accepting, healthy boundaries.
Speaker A:If you haven't listened or seen that video, please go back and absolutely dive into that one.
Speaker A:You can also absolutely carry on listening here.
Speaker A:This is a follow on each of the episodes we're building.
Speaker A:And the way I like to work and the way I work with my clients is before we can start making any beautiful changes, it's all about accepting.
Speaker A:So, yes, I'm the acceptance coach.
Speaker A:And the way I work with my clients, absolutely, I am there to nurture and guide.
Speaker A:I am also there to tell you how it is and to really help you walk forward and move forward into who you truly are born to be.
Speaker A:Now, I call myself an interrupter with love.
Speaker A:So when I'm in any sessions with clients and I feel it's really important to interrupt, then I will, because that's when we can start really digging in and diving in.
Speaker A:So in terms of these episodes, what I'm doing with you is my intention is to get you to a point where you can start embracing your gifts.
Speaker A:So, yes, I'm called the acceptance coach.
Speaker A:And then that's when we start.
Speaker A:Once we have acceptance in place, then we stop comparison.
Speaker A:We stop distraction avoidance and resistance.
Speaker A:And then we start being who we were truly born to be and start actioning what we're here to do.
Speaker A:Now, as I've said before, I'm not saying it's easy.
Speaker A:I'm just saying it's very, very necessary.
Speaker A:If you would like to live the life you were born and you want to really step into your power, then we have to work on ourselves.
Speaker A:We're all human.
Speaker A:We're here for a human experience and nobody is perfect.
Speaker A:I've mentioned before, I have a temper.
Speaker A:I've mentioned before that one of my.
Speaker A:And here it goes again, that one of my.
Speaker A:One of my F's that I have to work on is distraction because that is how I worked from knee high to a grasshopper because I didn't understand my sensitivities and I was trying to fit in.
Speaker A:And what I would really like to talk about today is about fawning.
Speaker A:Now there's the three Fs.
Speaker A:So the three Fs, if you haven't seen that episode, please go back and listen to the episode all about the three Fs, which are fight, flight and freeze.
Speaker A:How they came up for us when we were survival of the fittest, as in the Stone Age, we still have those brains.
Speaker A: now, now I believe it was in: Speaker A:Now, I very much talk about fawning in different terminology.
Speaker A:I talk about people pleasing.
Speaker A:Somebody actually asked me to talk about fawning and how it can show up and how we can work with it.
Speaker A:And then that very much lines with healthy boundaries and accepting your space.
Speaker A:Okay, so what we're going to dive in today is firstly, we're going to talk about fawning, which is the fourth F.
Speaker A:We're then going to dive into a little bit more about the healthy boundaries and how you can start creating that space.
Speaker A:Then we're going to dive into what you do once you have that space.
Speaker A:And then we're going to summarize and feel into what steps can you take.
Speaker A:So there's going to be a little bit of love work this week.
Speaker A:I call it love work, not homework.
Speaker A:Because any work we do on ourselves is love work.
Speaker A:Okay, so first of all, fawning.
Speaker A:So in a previous episode I spoke about flight, fight and freeze.
Speaker A:And in the Stone Age, our limbic brain would kick in when there's any change in our environment and we would experience fight, flight or freeze to keep us safe.
Speaker A:Now we still have those brains in this day and age.
Speaker A:So fight shows up as resistance, flight shows up as distraction, and freeze shows up as avoidance.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:And it's really interesting, once we understand what that biological reaction is in our bodies, actually it's just trying to keep us safe.
Speaker A:And once we accept the three Fs and we make them our friends, then we can start moving forward and making changes and understanding when they show up.
Speaker A:They're just trying to keep us safe and we can talk to them.
Speaker A:Now, if you haven't seen, if you haven't seen or listened to that episode, please watch.
Speaker A:Listen to accepting the three Fs.
Speaker A:Now, the fourth F is called fawning.
Speaker A:And I do very much cover fawning in all of the episodes because it's people pleasing.
Speaker A:Fundamentally it's people pleasing.
Speaker A:So somebody asked me to include it, which is why I am talking about fawning today.
Speaker A:So fawning is when we do everything to make the other person like us so they won't hurt us.
Speaker A:If you imagine in nature, it's the perfect place to look.
Speaker A:If you imagine in nature there's a fight going on between two animals and then all of a sudden there's one on their back surrendering.
Speaker A:And that's fawning.
Speaker A:That's saying, please don't hurt me.
Speaker A:So with fawning, it's very much people pleasing.
Speaker A:It's people pleasing to the nth degree.
Speaker A:So when we're in our formative years and we're watching what's going on around us and we're like sponges and we're looking at the personalities and the behaviors of all those people around us and absorbing it all, and if we feel comfortable to start showing our gifts perhaps of sensitivity and they're not received and it's no judgment, again, there's absolutely no judgment here.
Speaker A:And they're not received in the way of acceptance, then that's our indication that that's not acceptable.
Speaker A:And we start trying to please and change ourselves to fit in with what those people normally are.
Speaker A:Families, what those people, our parents, what those people deem acceptable, so we can go into fawning mode.
Speaker A:So fawning is a massive people pleasing now.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker A:It's wonderful to take care of those, those we love after we've taken care of ourselves.
Speaker A:I'm not saying don't help people.
Speaker A:That's not what I'm saying.
Speaker A:I'm saying do not help people to your detriment.
Speaker A:Now, being born as empaths, as highly sensitive people, as seers, and I mentioned before, I see creativity and sensitivity all together.
Speaker A:For me it's sensitivity.
Speaker A:It's a beautiful, beautiful gift that you've been given.
Speaker A:And whatever your sensitivity is, that is for you to really, really grow and develop and nurture and it is highly likely, my gorgeous, that you weren't able to do this in your formative years because it wasn't accepted.
Speaker A:So what then happens is we start adapting the skills that we have of our sensitivity as empaths.
Speaker A:For example, we feel everything that's going on around us and we realize that for us to feel okay, everybody else around us needs to feel okay, because we aren't able to decipher what's ours and what somebody else's.
Speaker A:So we realize that if everybody else is happy, then we're happy.
Speaker A:And that's the place that the people pleasing can start.
Speaker A:So that can be the fawning.
Speaker A:Now, then what can also happen is as we move forward, because this is instilled into us from formative years, is be the good boy, be the good girl, be the good person.
Speaker A:This is people pleasing to the nth degree.
Speaker A:Then that follows us through our lives and that follows us in relationships, all kinds of relationships, in business relationships, in intimate relationships, in.
Speaker A:In family relationships, because these are the patterns that we learned were accepted when we were younger.
Speaker A:So we carry those through and we've got the three Fs, we've got the fight, flight and freeze.
Speaker A:So fawning, in a nutshell, is people pleasing to the nth degree, to our detriment, and I call it servant energy.
Speaker A:Because we can go into such a state that we're helping everybody else, like a servant, draining ourselves, exhausting ourselves, so they will accept us and they will give us outside validation that we're, aren't they lovely?
Speaker A:Aren't they wonderful?
Speaker A:So then we can feel accepted and we can feel safe.
Speaker A:And often the fawning response can also be if there has been a situation, let's say you've been bullied.
Speaker A:You know, many of us sensitives were bullied.
Speaker A:And bullying doesn't necessarily happen just in childhood, it can carry through.
Speaker A:So if you were bullied when you were younger and you went into a situation of fawning so you would be accepted, and you ended up almost being like a servant to your bullies, and that can be parents as well as people at school, as well as teachers.
Speaker A:And again, this is a judgment.
Speaker A:I'm just saying it how it is.
Speaker A:And that was seen as a way for you to feel safe because once you were doing what everybody else wanted you to do, all those bullies wanted you to do, then you were accepted and you weren't bullied and you weren't hurt.
Speaker A:And it was used in the sense of, if you don't do this, then I will do this to you, then that is absolute fawning.
Speaker A:That is absolute servant energy.
Speaker A:And it can also be really, really subtle.
Speaker A:It could be if you're with somebody who's passive aggressive, for example.
Speaker A:So if you have the vibration of a servant or you have the vibration of the fawn, the people pleasing, then it's very likely, my gorgeous, the people who attracted into your lives towards you are bullies, are people who will take advantage of you.
Speaker A:And I say this with love, you know, I've been there, I've done that, I bought the T shirt.
Speaker A:And once we understand that we have shown up in an energy of fawning and it may not be people have been bullying you, it may have been you, you've shown up in this energy of fawning.
Speaker A:And so that's what everybody's used to.
Speaker A:And everybody's used to you doing everything for them in that servant energy.
Speaker A:So that's what they expect and that's what you deliver regardless of how exhausted and tired you are.
Speaker A:So this is again, I just say this so much with love.
Speaker A:This is a judgment free zone and the first person not to cast any judgment is yourself with yourself.
Speaker A:I hope these are little mini eureka moments.
Speaker A:So we recognize the fight, the flight and the freeze as resistance, distraction and avoidance.
Speaker A:And we recognize the fawning as people pleasing to the nth degree as servant energy, as exhausting ourselves as we help everybody else.
Speaker A:And we show up in this savior energy.
Speaker A:And once we accept and realize that, that's when we can start making those healthy boundaries.
Speaker A:So to move on to healthy boundaries.
Speaker A:Healthy boundaries, the checklist that you can download and use for free, just very, very simple is knowing when to say no as an empath.
Speaker A:And it's really important that those who we've shown up as servant energy, who haven't been detrimental in our life in the way of bullying or predators etc so forth, that we have compassion with them because they are reacting to how we are acting.
Speaker A:So if we show up in a, in a way of let me do everything for you, that's what they're going to expect.
Speaker A:So once we start looking at okay, where is my energy going that I'm allowing it to go and I'm giving my energy away and then once we have that, we can start creating that space.
Speaker A:So with healthy boundaries, the checklist is just questions, yes and no questions.
Speaker A:The first one, when somebody asked you can you help or have you just got five minutes or can you just do this for me?
Speaker A:Because they're used to that.
Speaker A:These are questions to ask yourself.
Speaker A:So the first one is, is it an emergency?
Speaker A:If it's an emergency, then a million percent we are there.
Speaker A:Okay, so if it's an extreme emergency, of course we're going to be there.
Speaker A:So that is the first one.
Speaker A:So that's a yes.
Speaker A:And you know what you need to do.
Speaker A:The next question is, so is it an emergency?
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:Then we move on to the next one.
Speaker A:And the next question is, are you the only person who can help in this situation?
Speaker A:And if the answer is yes, then this is where you begin your healthy boundaries.
Speaker A:You say to that person, I'm available at this time on this date, and you give yourself a time limit.
Speaker A:So you say, I've got 20 minutes here.
Speaker A:And by doing this, you're creating new healthy habits.
Speaker A:As you create the new healthy habits, the other person will start accepting them.
Speaker A:As you accept them, the other person starts accepting them.
Speaker A:Okay, so that's the first one.
Speaker A:So if, if you're the only one can do it, that's that.
Speaker A:So if the answer to are you the only one could do it?
Speaker A:Is no, then the next question is, can the person who's asking actually do this themselves?
Speaker A:And if the answer is yes, then you encourage them to help themselves.
Speaker A:And you know, often we jump in before even being asked and actually that person is being robbed of a beautiful learning experience, an experience of growth.
Speaker A:So if the answer is can they do it themselves?
Speaker A:We encourage them to help them do it themselves.
Speaker A:If the answer is no, they can't do it themselves, can somebody else help?
Speaker A:And the answer is yes, then we encourage them to go elsewhere because what can happen?
Speaker A:And again, judgment free zone is people can be so used to you being there as an agony aunt or uncle agony person.
Speaker A:People can be so used to you just dropping everything and being on the phone that that's their normal and they don't go anywhere else because they're just used to that.
Speaker A:So by offering solutions, we're not putting up a wall, we are just simply offering solutions for a better way.
Speaker A:And as we do this, we create our own space.
Speaker A:Okay, so that's the healthy Boundary checklist.
Speaker A:If you have a little look in the links, you'll find the download there now.
Speaker A:So we've gone through what is fawning, We've gone through the healthy Boundary checklist.
Speaker A:So once you've gone through that healthy boundary checklist and you start creating space, this is where the work begins.
Speaker A:Because it can be so easy.
Speaker A:Once we have this space, we don't know what to do with it so old patterns can start coming in.
Speaker A:And remember, we've spoken about fight, flight and freeze.
Speaker A:We've spoken about the, you know, the, the three Fs and we've spoken about fawning.
Speaker A:So what can happen is as there's change because there's going to be a huge change because you've got this space, because you're not helping everybody to the the nth degree, because you're creating your space, then fight, flight and freeze can kick in in terms of what do I do now?
Speaker A:So what can start happening is perhaps unhealthy habits that you've had before can start coming back in.
Speaker A:So your limbic brain is helping you to feel safe because it's identified that there's change here and that means danger.
Speaker A:So we've got this space that is not normal.
Speaker A:It's a change.
Speaker A:We're in a danger zone.
Speaker A:So let's start filling it with things that we already know.
Speaker A:So before we have this space, it's really important that we start feeling what feels right for me once I have this space.
Speaker A:So as we're creating this space, we are ready to fill it with healthy habits.
Speaker A:We're not in the space where the limbic brain kicks in and tries to fill it with old unhealthy habits to keep us safe.
Speaker A:So it's really important as you're creating your healthy boundaries, that you start feeling into what feels healthy for me.
Speaker A:So what I would invite you to do, and this is your love work, is as you're creating your healthy boundaries, is have it very, very clear in your mind that as you have this beautiful, creative, gorgeous, sensitive space that's yours to work on yourself with, how are you going to fill that space?
Speaker A:What actions are you going to take?
Speaker A:What creative pursuits are you going to be working with?
Speaker A:Because again, no judgment.
Speaker A:It can be so easy just to fill that space because we can get this fight, flight, freeze.
Speaker A:I don't know what to do now.
Speaker A:I've got all this space.
Speaker A:Okay, I'll just start doing this.
Speaker A:I'll distract myself.
Speaker A:I'll avoid doing what feels really right for me.
Speaker A:I will resist.
Speaker A:So we can go into like a freeze mode.
Speaker A:We can go into so avoidance.
Speaker A:We can go into distraction with, with flight.
Speaker A:And we can go into resistance with fight.
Speaker A:So we can go into resist doing any good work on ourselves.
Speaker A:We can go into distraction doing everything but starting that creative pursuit.
Speaker A:We can go into freeze feeling like a.
Speaker A:Almost like a paralysis within us.
Speaker A:You know, for example, writer's block.
Speaker A:We can go into a freeze There, where there's nothing coming in and we're just frozen.
Speaker A:And what we can also do is once we have that space with freeze is we can hide because freeze is avoidance.
Speaker A:So we can start.
Speaker A:Okay, I've got this great space now.
Speaker A:Now I'm just going to step all the way back and not speak to anybody.
Speaker A:So it's really, really important to feel what works for me as I create this space.
Speaker A:Okay, so what I would invite you to do is as you have this space and before you have this space, take pen to paper and in a really beautiful, Create a gorgeous space.
Speaker A:Space is the operative word.
Speaker A:Create a gorgeous space.
Speaker A:You could even be outside under a tree.
Speaker A:That's my love.
Speaker A:I love that.
Speaker A:You could be with all your crystals, you could be with candles, whatever feels like a gorgeous, nourishing space for you.
Speaker A:I'd really like you to just to delve into the feminine space with this, the nurturing space.
Speaker A:So you can have a bath beforehand or a salt shower beforehand.
Speaker A:Put some gorgeous relaxing music on, light a candle, incense, whatever works for you.
Speaker A:Have a gorgeous cup of tea and pen to paper.
Speaker A:What do I really love?
Speaker A:What do I really, really, really love?
Speaker A:And just feel what comes in.
Speaker A:So this is where journaling is wonderful.
Speaker A:I'm giving you a couple of journaling prompts and this is just to get you started.
Speaker A:And then what you'll find is the more you write, the more that will come out of what you truly enjoy.
Speaker A:And it's not what everybody else thinks that you enjoy.
Speaker A:It's not what you feel you should enjoy.
Speaker A:This is what do you actually truly enjoy.
Speaker A:And also doing this, you're also identifying where you've shown up in people pleasing in fawn mode, in situations where you're kind of.
Speaker A:I call it fake fun, where you're.
Speaker A:You don't realize you're.
Speaker A:You're pretending to have a nice time.
Speaker A:And actually you're not massively enjoying yourself.
Speaker A:You're just showing up to be there so others can enjoy themselves.
Speaker A:And actually you're not enjoying yourself at all.
Speaker A:So I would really invite you to look at those aspects as well.
Speaker A:So when you're writing down, really feel into what do I really enjoy?
Speaker A:And it will.
Speaker A:You'll really again, with compassion and kindness for yourself and others, it will start to show.
Speaker A:And you may not have even realized it.
Speaker A:So just going back to fawn, you may not have even realized where you've been showing up and pretending to enjoy pursuits that you actually don't really enjoy.
Speaker A:As an example, I was very much the Party girl.
Speaker A:And I would, alcohol was my thing and you know, I would be the life and soul of the party.
Speaker A:I'd make sure everybody was okay, having a good time.
Speaker A:I say, right, we're going here, we're going there, let's have a brilliant time.
Speaker A:And the more work I did on myself, the more I realized that this was me showing up in people pleasing energy so I could fit in.
Speaker A:And I was doing and acting the way that I thought other people wanted me to act.
Speaker A:And so this is just my example.
Speaker A:There's many, many, many how we can show up in a way that doesn't really serve us, that serves everybody else.
Speaker A:So this is why I call it the servant energy.
Speaker A:Because you're not serving yourself, you're serving everybody else.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So I really hope this episode has helped you.
Speaker A:I just wanted a really gentle introduction into creating your space because as the episodes go on, we're going to be going deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper.
Speaker A:As I said, as I work with my clients, we do go very, very deep.
Speaker A:What we have to do first though is get to the basics so then we can start going deep and with love and compassion.
Speaker A:I call us out.
Speaker A:You know, I call myself out.
Speaker A:I call us all out because it's really important that as we're going on this, for want of a better word, journey, as we're exploring and we're going into self discovery, that we are really honest with ourselves.
Speaker A:Really honest with ourselves.
Speaker A:So my gorgeous, thank you so much for joining me.
Speaker A:Please share.
Speaker A:If you feel this will benefit anybody else, please kindly share.
Speaker A:If you're on YouTube, please subscribe and share.
Speaker A:If you're listening, please follow Leave reviews and if you would like to have an expansion call with me.
Speaker A:If you would like to have some one to one coaching.
Speaker A:Each week I open up three calls for expansion calls for deeper diving.
Speaker A:One to one work.
Speaker A:So here's to your self empowerment.
Speaker A:Gorgeous.
Speaker A:Here's to your self acceptance.
Speaker A:So much love.
Speaker A:Until the next time.
Speaker B:Thank you so much for joining me for this episode of Accepting.
Speaker B:Please do stay tuned for future episodes and also subscribe wherever you get your podcast.
Speaker A:If there's anything at all that you'd like me to cover in future episodes.
Speaker B:Please get in touch and let me know.
Speaker B:You can also follow me on Instagram at the Acceptance Coach and on TikTok at SolutionUnion99.
Speaker B:And if you'd like to have any coaching at all or you would like to discuss this, do book an expansion call for now.
Speaker B:I'm your host Aline and to your self acceptance Gorgeous with so much love.
Speaker A:Sat.
